Thought Provoking Thursday | Permanence is a Privilege

I've been in a lot of relationships - possibly too many relationships for my age. I've had a lot of 'boyfriends' but only three I would put on the books (sorry if you're reading this and you got shafted.) I'm not kidding, I have had a boyfriend almost constantly for seven (plus) years.

No, I do not have a complex. No, I do not need a man. No, I do not have low self-esteem. Yes, I've been in a few relationships for all the wrong reasons. Yes, in the past I probably have had both low self-esteem and a complex. Yes, I prefer (in most cases) being in a relationship versus not. Yes, I have my own self-identity.

There are a few things that I've figured out through heartbreak, heart-breaking and years of constantly having a boy attached to my hip, and living with two (one I would prefer to not count, but for the sake of my integrity, honesty, and open-book policy of my blog, I will.) The most important of which is what is healthy versus what is toxic.

As far as relationships are concerned, I'm the happiest I've ever been - with no hesitation or second-guessing. I have never been in a relationship where effort is so apparent, where laughter is so natural and intentions are so honest. It's not about the fact that the only reason my car hasn't died out is because he's the one who takes my car in for routine maintenance, it's not about him satisfying each and every 3AM York peppermint patty craving or him giving me (and my friends) better pedicures than the women at 'Nails Only' in the shopping center by my house (I'd like to thank his mother for this one.)

It's because he respects me in the most genuine manner. It's because he thinks I'm equally as beautiful in a face full of makeup as he does covered in zit cream because although beauty (and booty) is a bonus, we would be nothing without emotional and mental compatibility. It's because we can both let our imaginations run wild when we try to imagine what the music video to our favorite songs would entail (are we the only ones that imagine the song "Five Years Time" to have dancing paper narwhal whales dancing about ... no? ... maybe?) It’s because our future goals mesh seamlessly, and because he constantly pushes me towards aggressively following my crazy dreams (who says I cannot be a fashion buyer and blogger with six kids and a breakfast restaurant.) It's because he constantly encourages me to be the best woman I can be, but loves me at my worst. It's because he can differentiate the moments in which I need time and the moments in which I need to be smothered. It's because when I pour my bad moods out on him he responds with "Get dressed, we're going on a date" instead of fueling the fire. It's not because we don't argue, because we do - it's because we can argue and laugh at the same time. It's because he accepts that I will never put away Tupperware containers in the appropriate, organized fashion and forgives me without apology for giving him endless shit about losing a birth certificate that was later located, exactly where he thought it was. Most importantly, it's because we both know no love has the guarantee of holding permanence.

In a conversation with a girlfriend about the traditionalism and sanction of marriage and relationships what we realized is this: whether you live together, have children together, or get married your relationship is no more permanent (sadly) than it would be otherwise. If you live together, one of you could always move out. If you have children together, you have the legal liberty of parenting separately.  If you're married, you can get a divorce. There is nothing that we can do about our generation's habit of 'walking away' other than treat our significant others as exactly that - as if permanence is a privilege.

In the past, with friends and relationships alike I've underappreciated and overlooked - then it hit me. I've had to be treated badly to recognize and appreciate being treated well. I've had to be the cheated and the cheater (not recommended) to realize games have no home in healthy relationships. I used to spend more time bitching and complaining and less time saying 'thank you.' I'm absolutely not blaming myself for the ending of all my previous relationships (trust me) - but, it has me thinking, if everyone acts this way is it really so surprising that nothing is permanent?

I've made it a personal challenge, my mission to re-invent the concept of commitment, to friendships and relationships alike. To expect less, say 'thank you' more, to shut my mouth and listen more, to give more than I get, to smile more than I complain. Accept the best of the moment and know that the future of a friendship and relationship has no guarantee - if you treat someone like they won't walk away, they will. If you evoke positivity and appreciativeness onto the ones you love, your positivity will bring happiness. Happiness, not manipulativeness is what creates permanence.